Monday, September 18, 2006


I was in the shower this morning...crying, one of my usual spots to let go. In the moment when the hot water is running over my head and down my back I saw how afraid I am.

I'm afraid Art will die. I'm afraid of people's reactions when I say that. I'm afraid my requests will not get met becuase so how we/I are/am not worthy. I'm afraid I will gain weight (I have series issues around this). I'm afraid we will loose friends. I'm afraid of other people's issues around Art's illness. I'm afraid of so much.

Fear is one of those things you cannot tell someone they shouldn't have. And there in lies the problem. It is an internal battle. Left unchecked it rules my life. If I can let the hot water run down my back and turn up the volume on the other voice. The voice that rejoices in who Art and I are, what we have made together, and the friends that surround us, then just maybe, maybe I can take a step away from the fear. I will do that.


  1. Anonymous1:24 PM

    Oh, Kim. For the first time in my life, I wish we lived in LA. Can't believe I just said that. If you feel like it, give us a buzz. I've been in touch with Rudy (good phone call) and would love to talk. Or email. I know you're up to your eyeballs in alligators. Lots of love to you and Art and the kids, Chuck.

  2. Anonymous4:03 PM

    I wish we also lived in LA so we could provide more hands on support. Even though the fear may feel so irrational it seems so right on to me. I can't even imagine all the fears that you have to feel but I can imagine it all feels so overwhelming. No friends here disappearing, we think of you every day and are trying to send all positive vibes your way :)
    love, julie brian alex and jesse

  3. Anonymous4:06 PM

    Dear Kim -- Oh my God -- what a "war" you are in. May God bless and sustain you -- you, your husband and family. I wish we were close to be able to help.
    With all our love,
    Roger & Trish

  4. Anonymous8:40 PM


    Your fears are real, but I hope you can channel what is rather than what if. Whether in crisis or not, every person can only face the challenge of what is. If we try to conquer the what if's, fear rather than courage can take control. I think about you and Art daily and pray for health and serenity for you both. Sincerely --Mary