Emotional Knowledge

Three days ago I met with my spiritual counselor -- a session similar to meeting with a social worker/psychologist but one that opens and ends in meditation -- and she asked me: “Kim, what it is that you think all these people who are helping you want you to be doing?” I started to cry. I realized everyone is trying to make it easier on me so I can rest, and spend time with Art and help him rest and fight and mend. I cried the whole 30 minute drive home. Intellectually, I have always understood the reasoning behind the help. The other day, I got it on an emotional level.

Fast forward to today. I am preparing for next week when we will be by ourselves as a family for the first time since days after Art was diagnosed. I am feeling organized, a bit freaked by the proposition but well supported by many. I know that I am not operating with a full deck of cards. I know that emotional stress takes its tool on memory, and ability to adjust. So I am double checking my plans for next week with friends, just to make sure I’m not forgetting things.

No one told me not to forget Pallas today at school. No one told me to remember to check with Langston’s ride from swimming to make sure they would be there to get him home. Now…I emotionally get why we need everyone's help. No guilt involved though. I know I am not “all there.” I also know, and am very grateful, that we are surrounded by people who do have full decks and will fill in when I can’t remember things. Both kids arrived home in the hands of friends. So will next week go perfectly? Probably not. But if I walk away with no other lesson from this experience, I will walk away knowing that we are loved, and supported and that things have to go through many, many sets of hands before we hit the ground. Thank God for you all. Thank God.

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