“That is great he’s getting stronger.”
“Thank God, he’s healing. I am so relieved for you guys!”
That’s what they all say. I am thankful, too.
I want to scream “What about me! What about me! I am lost when he feels good.” I don’t tell anyone for fear that I will seem selfish. I remember this feeling. It’s the same one I had when I finally lifted my head from childrearing. I wouldn’t, didn’t “mind” myself back then, when they were small and I thought my only job was to “raise babies.” I guess I wouldn’t, didn’t mind myself through this either. How do you avoid becoming engulfed? Can you? I look up from the intensity of the months and wander in large fear circles, unclear, and confused. I ask “What just happened? Where does it leave me? I want to go home. I want to go back. I want to go back to before, to….to me.” I know it’s impossible, and that just makes it worse.