Saturday, December 30, 2006

Fish Bowl

I went to the movies today, with some friends. I left the house at 10:00 am and have just returned. It’s 3:00. My friends and I, we had lunch. I ate, I drank lemonade. I laughed, told a story, made a wise crack or two and listened. I think I only gave my “opinion” once. I went to my friend’s car and got the clothes I asked her to buy for me, not able to find the energy to buy them for myself. I got in my car and drove home.

The whole time, the whole damn time, I felt like I was in a fish bowl. Like there was this saran wrap, glass wall, bubble between me and everyone, everything else. Surrounded in this, by this haze, I do not fully see or hear or feel or enjoy. I am here, but two, sometimes three steps behind, or rather off to the side. I suffer nothing.

Art is getting his second transfusion today, second this week. I go to bed dreading sleep, I wake up dreading the day. I am aware I need help but at the moment, consider myself unable to ask for it. I don’t think I am drowning. It’s more like floating between the anxiety, the exhaustion of holding it all together and the rest of being. Although uncomfortable, I deem the experience pleasant. It’s nice not to feel.

6 comments:

  1. Anonymous2:09 AM

    You need to stop tripping out on yourself all the time. Get in the moment, deal with your husband's illness, and your family. See that most of your thoughts about yourself are a narcissistic fantasy that you are investing too much energy in.

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  2. wow, perhaps anonymous missed the point that this is the place where she can be narcissistic because otherwise she's "on" all the time, taking care of husband, three children, home, food, work etc...

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  3. Anonymous1:56 PM

    well said Mary! Kim has every right to call attention to herself. It's a healthy expression of dealing with overwhelming grief and difficulty in life. Clearly, getting it all out is much healthier then sacrificing one's self for others and losing one's sense of self in the midst of taking care of everyone else.
    I'm glad you're being so real Kim, it makes us all realize how self absorbed we may be in our own lives.
    love ya, Julie B.

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  4. Anonymous11:06 AM

    For a minute I thought "anonymous" was Buddhist. Being in "the moment" is at the core of Buddhist teachings and requires letting go of who we think we are which is a construct of our thoughts - the stories we tell to support our emotions.

    Kim, you're doing great. Keep "tripping" if you have to b/c I know tripping is in tandem with being totally present. How else could you be experiencing your feelings/emotions so deeply?

    -Kim's (can't deal with the registration in right now!)

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  5. Anonymous11:07 AM

    I mean "-Kim's sister" Ugh!

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  6. Anonymous7:50 PM

    I don't think that anons comment was meant to hurt, taken out of context.

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