Saturday, January 20, 2007


Sex. Making love. Whatever you want to call it. We’re not having any. The problem is not that, well...I mean that is the problem but it’s deeper than that. I am not immune to the views of this Puritanical society (America) that regards sex as the only source of intimacy. Intimacy equals sex, sex equals intimacy. I suspect I am not alone in my thoughts. After all, isn’t that why we are up in arms about teenagers having it? Don’t we feel they are too young to experience or understand the levels of closeness? Ah, but I digress.

The dilemma is this. If sex equals intimacy, then how does one go about being intimate if one is not having sex? Furthermore, if sex is a cornerstone of a “good” marriage (I use the term with tongue fully inserted in cheek) then where does that leave Art and I? I mean, we will probably not have sex for another 2 - 3 months. If you add those days with the days of this treatment plus the days before the diagnosis (cause it was a good month that he was not feeling well), the total no-sex days could be over 300!

Let me disclose, it’s not about the physical release part of not having sex. I am good at pleasuring myself. (Oh my!!! Did I just right that? Heavens! ) It’s the other part, the closeness, the understanding, the familiarity of Art’s body and his familiarity of mine that I miss. What exactly is intimacy anyway? How do I go about regaining that, or at least touching on it when we are not fooling around? What does an intimate, non sexual, conversation sound like?

I have become his caregiver of his life, a dictator of sorts, furthering the distance between us. I mean who wants to be intimate with the person who is always asking “Did you take your pills? Are you constipated again?” Those questions have formed a see through wall where we can pretend that we know each other.

Hmmm, when this is done, we will have to date again. I think it’ll be fun. I don’t know. should I go “all the way” on our first date?


  1. Sadly, I can completely relate. My husband and I have not had sex in months. He has cancer as well and while he was going through chemo it seemed to be a good excuse. Now that he is done with treatment, there isn't any excuse except I have some strange aversion to going to the doctor to get back on the pill. Maybe it is that he has made it perfectly clear that he wants no more children. Just know that you are not the only one that is married and not having sex. It sounds like you are an incredibly supportive wife who is going through an daunting, life changing event. It is bound to change your relationship with your husband. I can't tell you how to regain the closeness and intimacy with him, but I think just having the desire is the first step.

  2. Anonymous1:08 PM

    sadly i can relate too and my hubby is healthy as a ox. just not much time for such things b/w kids, work, and TV! Guess I should turn off the TV :-)
    Always thinking of you all!