Thursday, March 22, 2007


I should be asleep. Today after picking up my daughter the exhaustion settled on my face. I could feel it pressuring my eyes from the back and from the top of my nose it spread to under my eyes and onto my cheeks. All at once, I wanted to pull over and just sleep. I wanted to be Rip Van Winkle.

The problem with sleep is that before I can reach that place of peace and calm and oblivion, I must travel through the place of free thinking and letting go. It is there that the fear of yesterday and today and tomorrow gang up and assault me.

I don’t know why I don’t want to acknowledge that when it comes down to it, yesterday was not a great day. That later when I spoke to Art on the phone, he was crying so hard he couldn’t talk. I can’t acknowledge that no matter how much better this hospitalization is because it’s not the “CANCER” causing it, I still have to talk myself down from the fear of his dying. I don’t know why I won’t accept that even though this hospitalization is less stressful, 7 on a scale of 1 – 10 is still pretty high.

I know that with the acknowledgement of these things will make me cry. The problem for me is the crying has stopped making me feel better. I’m still stuck trying to walk the line between self pity and indifference. I want off this rollercoaster ride. The sudden ups and downs leave me feeling hungry and anxious, distraught and uncomfortable. They make finding the light at the end of these narrows difficult. And I’m tired. I’m just so damn tired.

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