Tuesday, April 10, 2007

War and Patience

War and Patience

At some point during my struggles with bulemia I acknowledged the vision I had of my body was skewed. I knew that when I looked in the mirror and saw “fat” others saw the thin, normal, attractive. One day I decided to rely on the eyes of others until I could fix mine. I called it the “wisdom of the masses.” It worked.

The same thing happened after posting “Questioning.” I knew that I couldn’t see what was really here. I knew I needed to use your view of our struggle to see more clearly.

“In ways your husband has been at war in a distant country,” said a wise friend. “Now Art is back, as back as any vet can be, and it is right to feel different.” And with those words, the lost, ungrounded feeling I’d been working through lifted, like magic. The other comments provided sustenance. The emails gave me courage.


In my head, I understood that our relationship could not go back; in my heart my expectation was that it would, that it should. The longest distance, they say, is between your head and your heart.

I work through these emotions with friends, a therapist and my fingers, and still I get stuck. I am not a patient person. The demands I place on myself to fix, mend, and take action basically mean I hate processing – it’s so time consuming. “Art’s better. Life is good. Yup, it’s been 16 days since he showed up. Plenty of time! Chop, chop, let’s get this life moving!” In hindsight, it’s almost funny!

When I stand patiently in this process of growth and watch, I am awed at how far we have come, at how strong and determined he is, and at how strong and determined I am too. It’s hard to let go of a sinking raft. At least you know what will happen if you cling; the shore is this distant place where the possibilities are endless – endless is good but scary.

However, like before, I trusted the wisdom of those around me and what I got was a clearer vision and a reminder of how incredibly grateful I am for all that I have, including you the reader.

(To see the other comments, click here)

3 comments:

  1. Barbara Bosill3:58 AM

    Good morning, Kim
    I'm one of the "Sister Grannies" in mom's writing circle -- I sent mom an email the other day and here is her response

    "Barbara,

    Thank you so much - anything relating to Kim and Art brings tears to my eyes... Please send this on to Kim - she appreciates all good wishes as does Art - and I'll forward it too when I get home.

    Love, Judy"

    [Barbara wrote]
    We were at the Holy Thursday Mass (my favorite) and after the service we all process down to the church
    basement holding tapers and singing -- we stay for a while -- singing some more and then exit in silence.

    One of the songs kept echoing in my head for the next few days and then I read Kim's last blog (I wanted to comment but also don't want to intrude) ... the song
    is for Kim and is so beautiful, I thought I'd share it with you:

    > Come back to me
    > with all your heart.
    > Don't let fear keep us apart.
    > Trees do bend
    > 'though straight and tall;
    > so must we
    > to other's call.
    >
    > Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living deeply our new life.
    >
    > The wilderness
    > will lead you
    > to your heart
    > where I will speak
    > Integrity and justice
    > with tenderness you shall know.
    >
    > Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living deeply our new life.
    >
    > You shall sleep
    > secure with peace;
    > faithfullness will be your joy.
    >
    > Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living deeply our new life.

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  2. Anonymous9:36 AM

    Love that song. If you don't know the melody call her up and have her sing it to you because it is beautiful. I have the song in my head from years of church camp but would kill it if I tried to sing it to you.

    It's hard to hear others' voices and let yourself "realistically" accept moving forward and moving on with the slow pace of life. I'm also of the "chop chop, let's get a fix on things" variety and forget that it's only been a few days, few weeks, etc... I think that's why we do so well with our husbands who tend to be the thinkers and "take it all in" type personalities. Could you imagine life with Art if he were just like yourself? Your two strengths mesh so well and they will find a way to come together again that works for both of you.
    xoxo
    Julie

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  3. Anonymous9:29 AM

    Dar Kim,
    How wonderful to read about Art going back to school!! I bet those kids have really missed him...
    As always, my thoughts and prayers are with you, Art and your kiddos.
    Anne Keyes

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