February 9, 2009

I am not sure what to do anymore.  

The discomfort is suffocating. 

Dr. Lim came to visited. He's one of the oncologists on Art's team.  He said Art is probably suffering from "the blahs." That is the technical term.  Brought on by lack of white blood cells. Yup, if you don't have enough white blood cells, they you get a kind of depressing-fatiguing feeling.  Who knew!                                  

Seems the fainting is due to low cortisol caused by the usual, ya know, suppressed adrenal glands.  They will give him yet another drug that will supply cortisol, then wean him off of it so his adrenals will start working again.

So many friggin' drugs!

5 days he said Art could probably come home.  And now I have it in my head which is stupid cause the date is like a due date.  It's a completely inaccurate date to place my hopes on!

His birthday is next week, February 18. He'll be 44.  (send lots and lots of cards, please 1377 Appleton Way, Venice, CA 90291)

I want him home cause I know its so good for him.  

I don't know what I want. 

Either way the stress level is beyond anything I care to comprehend, now, in my office, writing this.  

God, I'm so warn out.  Everything is an effort, eating, dealing with the kids.  I don't know how to replenish.  I don't know where the next piece of focus will come from.  And I can feel every day, more energy oozing out of me, while only trickles come back in.  

Ha....kinda like the economy!

I will return to meditating. It will not take away the fear (like I had hoped) or the emotions (like I had wished) but  it will give me peace. Peace to do one more day.  And that is all I need right now, just one more day.    

--------

Pallas visited Art with me today.  

 

Art and Pallas share a laugh, 

Pallas, 

and then 

proceed to make funny faces.

Wow, I feel better just by 

looking at these pictures.  

Energy for one more day 

has been found.

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