Friday, March 27, 2009

March 26, 2009

Yesterday, I was afraid of Art.

He had a PetScan.

We arrive

and wait

for wheel chair transport, compliments of the Cancer Center, to take us to the imaging Mark Taper Imaging Center.

At Taper Imaging,

we wait…

and fill in paperwork.

We move to the you-are-responsible-to-pay-for-uncovered-costs-associated-with-this-procedure-sign-here window.

We move to the waiting room with the TV that no one is watching

And wait.

We are led to a small, muted yellow toned room where they remove, from a lead lined cylinder, radioactive material. The nurse injects it into his just-put-in-for this-procedure IV line.

We are led to a purple waiting room with semi-comfortable chairs where…

he moves from the wheel chair to the semi comfortable chair.

I wait for him and

we wait

for an hour.

They come for him.

The nurse we know. She is sad to see him again, looking unhealthy.

We wait

for Art to get back into the wheel chair. He and the nurse leave.

Art waits in a tube that takes pictures of him, six inches at a time.

I wait in the purple room.

He and the nurse return.

Three hours have passed since we have arrived.

We wait for the elevator to go to the cafeteria.

He waits…

at a table while I get lunch.

We go to the cancer center to have his picc line cleaned.

He waits.

I wait

and worry. He is looking uncomfortable and is telling me he doesn’t want to wait anymore.

I insist we wait.

He insists we go home.

I debate. Infected Picc line? Clogged Picc line means new picc line on Tuesday or worse another hospital stay.

He starts to get mad.

I hold my ground.

I offer my lap, where he can lay his head and sleep.

He sleeps.

I wait.

Nurse comes.

She waits while I rouse him.

He sits up, he gets his bearings

The nurse leaves. I wait 20 minutes before he can move to the wheelchair.

I wheel him into the Picc line cleaning room.

We wait for the nurse.

He gets weighed. 160lbs!!!!!

We wait for the nurse.

He gets mad.

“I’m not waiting.” he says.

“We need to leave!” he says.

I ignore him.

I try to find the nurse.

“We need to do labs on him.” She says.

“I am waiting for doctor’s orders.” She says

He raises his voice to me.

“I’m not staying. We need to leave…now.”

I think “Who the hell do you think you are?”

He raises his voice to the nurse, “I am not waiting for labs.” He blusters.

I leave the room.

And I see that I am afraid.

Afraid of his anger, afraid of what it says about me. I take on its message, believing that it speaks the truth.


it says.

"Not good enough!"

it screams.


I am either brave enough to look at it

Or too exhausted to care.

Either way, I know, the anger was lying.

I am good enough.

I am worthy too.

The cancer has made that clear.

And so has he.


  1. Anonymous11:53 PM

    Dear God,
    Please heal Art. Please. Please. Please.
    Your faithful children

  2. i adore
    and am grateful for
    your unblinking eye.

    thank you,
    as ever,
    for sharing.

  3. marda8:14 AM

    My brother had his last Pet scan on Thursday at City of Hope. You see he is now off the trial because nothing is working. I cried the entire day...I am still crying. You are not alone dear ones.
    The whole of it sucks...

  4. Kim and Art,
    I reach out to both of you with only my heart. I hope that just knowing that we are carrying you with us at all times is of some comfort. Thank you for sharing. Peace and strength be yours as you fight for LIFE.
    Cathy Mishkin

  5. It was good to see you on Venice Blvd - hope you were on your way to somewhere for "me time"....Thinking of you

  6. Bevin Kuckley9:40 AM

    it seems to strike closer to home everyday...and with you its family... thanks for sharing & give my love to Langston, Palas & Ezra

    love Bevin K

  7. Thank you all for your comments. I cannot tell you how much they help and sustain me and Art. I share them all with him.

    Please keep writing!!!!