Saturday, April 25, 2009

April 25,2009

It's been 10 days since he's died.

It's the physical manifestation of sorry that leaves me winded: the always present stomach ache, the feeling like I want to shred my skin, pull at it, take it all off. It's the heaviness of my voice, and how I can't get my eyes completely open.

Everything is dull so that when I laugh deeply I am surprised by its sound and depth and fullness. I am embarrassed by its bawdiness.

The ceiling of grief hovers closer, as do the sides of it, closing in. My mother left today, my in-laws leave Monday. I pick up Art's cremated remains on Tuesday. I am pretty sure that on Wednesday I will not be able to get out of bed.

Funny, even now I am "planning" for collapse.

"Grief can be had after the following conditions have been met:
  • Weekly laundry is finished
  • I have made an appointment with a grief counselor for me and the kids
  • Arthurs remains have been picked up.
  • Meetings have been had with the Social Security office AND I have filed the proper paperwork with ....

If, and only if, these conditions have been met can Kim Hamer lay in bed, overcome. The time allowed for bed laying is -----. It shall last no more than --------."

God, even here, in this space truly between living and mourning I need control. It is the only thing I can hang on to.


  1. There are no words, Kim. There's no good advice for you from me. Only thoughts and prayers and the knowledge that you will come out the other end some day.

    Thinking of you and your children every day. Wishing there was something I could do other than read your blog and cry for you.

  2. Kim
    There is no handbook for grieving and if there is throw it away. No rules - No this - No that...if you need or want I GIVE YOU FEEL whatever way YOU want - and if you want to stay in bed all day - guess what? Stay in bed ALL day.. believe me the planet will still spin and the world will not stop even if you do. It's OK to feel - it actually let's you know that you are still alive even when you grieve for the dead...


    'round the corner if you want....

  3. Anonymous4:02 PM

    I think of you everyday. I am here for you in any capacity. I can shop at Whole Foods, I can listen, I can hug, I can cook (well, my family may disagree with this), I am your friend, and you are never, never alone.

  4. Kim, I feel so much for you and sorry I am not there to give you a hug and help lighten your load.

    I can come out on Sunday, May 17 - Tuesday or Wednesday. I would love to come sooner, but have a few obligations I can't change. The other block of time is Friday, May 29 - Monday (p.m.), June 1. Please let me know what sounds good to you. I love you and want to be there for you.
    - Carrie

  5. marda9:21 PM

    I will think of you on Tuesday picking up Art's ashes...I have to tell you that the day I drove home from Mission Viejo with my mothers urn filled with her ashes (it was still very warm) I put her on the passenger seat next to me and ya know what? I drove in the carpool lane all the way home!

  6. Kim, I just found out of Art's death. As jburnette said, there really aren't words that truly express what's in one's heart. However, since words do have the power to bring life or death into a situation, I will do my best to add a little light into your life right now.

    As you've already said, having intimately known and loved Art for the number of years that you did...memories will be your dearest friend and enemy right now. They will make you laugh, cry, scream with anger...and somewhere along the way end with resolve and peace. No one ever knows when that time is per person...I pray for you that it is sooner than later (whatever that means since the words "sooner or later" are relative at best.

    You amaze me (and many others) with your transparency and strength. I urge you to let someone else carry the load for you now so you may find rest. I believe you know of Whom I speak...

    Love You Much, Kim...