Sunday, May 03, 2009

May 2, 2009 Day 17

We are all at a standstill. You and me.

You poised to help, not knowing what to do.

Me, on the other side, wanting help, not knowing what to ask for.

Art’s presence has been with me all day.

I just stood in my kitchen crying.

Pallas looking on, hugging me.

"This is so hard." I said

'I miss him too, Mommy." she said.

And I want dinner delivered tonight… food that I would feed them.

And I want my kids fed and washed and put to bed… the way I put them to bed.

And I want the bills paid…the way I pay them

And I want someone to take away his music. I want to hear nothing.

And I want someone to take away his clothes, his everything.

If I can get to the nothing, the longing will go away. The hope that, maybe this time, when I walk into our bedroom, he’ll be there bald and laughing, will disappear.

I want to erase all this.

It won’t hurt if it’s gone.



  1. because you have to get back to scratch now,
    to start over,
    to build out from here,
    figure out the contours
    and the new dimensions that maybe,
    just maybe,
    you can somehow oversee and control.

    maybe the best gift you can each
    give each other,
    is to let the kids
    take care of YOU now,
    for a while.

    That would give them some
    positive focus,
    and lord knows
    (the good lord knows)
    you could use the Rest
    and the
    Abdication of Responsibility....

  2. Liz P.11:37 PM

    Letting the kids step up and pull for the team, absolutely! Cutting Art's hair... We all need purpose, and to know we can effectively make our situation better. And yes, we can all make our situation better even when our dad has died too early. They're healthy, they're safe, and they do have the strength to get through, as you do. It'll be by doing it that you all grow more confident of that.