Monday, May 04, 2009

May 4, 2009 Day 18

I made a mistake today.

On my phone, on the phone that I never use for pictures I found three things. A picture of Art before he lost consciousness when the viral meningitis had him, made on Sunday before he died. It is as disturbing as it was the day I walked into the hospital room.

Two videos of him. Both made while he was healthy. Last fall maybe. He smiles at me. I stopped.

The Art I miss is the one from before the cancer. It's just already, my memory of him fades. His gestures, his smile, his voice. The video bought it all back.

I feel like vomiting.

I want out of my skin.

I want out of this longing that can never be fixed.

Fuck you time. You move to slow, too damn slow.


  1. Anonymous7:22 PM

    Oh Kim-- I cry for you and at the same time celebrate that Art is in peace- no longer a prisoner to his body or the illness that took him. I am sure the videos and pictures will one day bring you peace. Hang on to his music for that will bring you close, let the kids wear his shirts - so that they will give them comfort and a sense of being, and let yourself CRY so you can be, mourn and love and live-- that is Art's wish.

  2. Mourn love and live. I wish there was a damn manual for this.