Wednesday, July 22, 2009

OMG Tuesday Tip # 16

The OMG (oh my God) I Need to Help Tuesday Tip© 2009

Every Tuesday I post a tip on how you can help someone you love in crisis.

These tips were partially derived from the amazing community that my husband, Art, and I leaned on during his two bouts with cancer. He lost his battle in April 2009 and this amazing community continues to support us. May you and your friends be that strong community for your friend.

To get more tips, go to

OMG I Need to Help Tuesday Tip #16

Please don’t ask me:
--if I’m “over” it yet. I will NEVER be “over” it.
--if I feel better. Bereavement isn’t a condition that clears up.

Please don’t tell me:
--to get on with my life. I’m still here, aren’t I?
--he’s in a better place. Better is here with me!
--you know how I feel -- unless you have lost a child, a sibling or a partner.
--God never makes mistakes. You mean He did this on purpose?

Please don't say:
--“At least he’s not suffering.” I haven’t come to terms with why he had to suffer at all.
--"At least you had him for ---- many years.” At what age would you choose for your daughter/son/sister/brother/husband/wife die?

Please just:
-- say you are sorry
--tell me what you remembe about him.
--just let me talk if I want to.
--let me cry when I want.

------- Written by Allison Marich


  1. Anonymous7:57 PM

    great post. when i told my former boss that my father had terminal cancer and didn't have long to live, he said: "well, we all have an expiration date." like he was a quart of milk or something. jesus christ. it still gets me when i think about it and that was 5 years ago.

  2. agree - this is a great post. Someone said to me, "everything happens for a reason. At least you are still young, it could be worse". And I thought, well would you mind explaining that reason to me? And so what if I'm young, what does that mean ... that I have more years to be miserable in, or that I should go to a nightclub quickly and find a replacement for him. WTF could be worse than losing my soulmate, my partner, my lover, my husband, my best friend, YOU MORON .... but I didn't. I said, "mmmmmmmm".

  3. Anonymous10:32 AM

    Elizabeth Edward's memoir, "Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Facing Life's Adversities" touches on the topic of what some would call "inappropriate comments" by others.

    Ms. Edwards endured the death of her 16 year old son, the recurrence of breast cancer, and most recently, public revelations of her husband's infidelity on his campaign trail. Her memoir notes, "A man we know who had lost his brother gave us a good piece of advise. He said, 'People will say the wrong thing. You just have to remember that they meant to say the right thing.' It allows you to be so much gracious."