She said, "I'll wait for you to call, I don't want to push."
I wanted to scream, "NO, don't back off!"
Don't back off. I need you in my life more now than ever.
This part, month five, is a gazillion times harder than month 1. The grief sucks on me, pulls me in. Before it danced around me, touching harshly and often but not with its full force.
Now, it strokes me, plays with me, grabs me and yells "SURPRISE!" in my face at weird moments with no apparent trigger. It sucks me to the brink, so I can't walk to the chair. I'm left weeping, standing in place frightened and alone, unable even, to crumple onto the floor like I did in the beginning.
I need you to witness the grief...if you can. I need you to stand with me. Not to bring me tissues, or hug me or make me feel better but to stand with me in that space, to say "I'm sorry" to watch the pain pull and release my chest and control my breathing. To be silent in the sobs and hold me hand tightly.
Or I need you to invite me over, to lunch, to dinner, to call and say "I just wanted to see if you are available?" Call again and again and again. I need you to want to spend time with me. Pull on me, remind me that I was a likeable person before the grief and that I will be a likeable person after the grief.
Don't back off, keep moving in, even if you don't understand.