Monday, November 09, 2009

November 9, Giving Up the Ring

Once, when I was really mad at Art, I took off my wedding rings and didn't wear them for a whole 23 days.

It was annoying. Like a really bad paper cut, or a splinter. Aware that something wasn't right. I wanted to see if the world would treat me differently. I wanted to prove to Art how in trouble our marriage was (my words not providing enough movement). I wanted to see if he'd notice.

He didn't.

I put them back on.

Last month, I took them off again. It was an unceremonious event. I removed my rings, opened my ring box and placed them in it. The fell and laid next to his wedding band.

This time, it's as if a chunk of me was missing. They are part of me, like the black beauty mark 6 inches right of my belly button or the scar on my right knee. The rings are a part of my body history.

When my finger didn't clink on a glass or the counter or tap on the steering wheel, my mind jolted. I wondered, "Where did I leave them?" then sucked in air and sighed, remembering. My finger ached, needed to be massaged constantly. I had phantom ring finger syndrome.

10 days of no ring, 643 where-did-I-leave-them?, countless inhales, sighs and stomach ache sadness, I replaced the rings with a different one. One that a friend gave me as a gift after he died. One that only fit that ring finger. One that says to me "weaning widow."

Weaning widow, not ready to say:

not married.

Not ready to say:

not in a committed relationship.

Not ready to say

heart completely mashed

to the rest of the world.


  1. Wow- this is the first time I have read your blog (saw it on peachhead) and just from this one entry I am moved to tears. I look forward to reading more.

  2. The ringless finger. The lack of a click on the steering wheel.

    It takes a while to get used to, but a ringless finger means a whole lot of things. A finger that you've ringed yourself means even more.

    You are a warrior poet. Keep writing, you're helping many others.

    I send you a huge hug or kiss, your choice.