Friday, December 11, 2009

December 11, 2009 Cake in the Face

I'm breathing.


Yesterday there was cake all over my face.'s still there but the benefits are sweet!

It came together today. Right when I couldnt' take anymore. Right when I didn't know how I was gonna do the next minute, right when suicide was looking good. (Do NOT be alarmed. It is a common widow thougth!) Right when I felt I had nothing left, the breath arrived.

And instead of the loss of him, I look at the 15 years of marriage we had. We were headed, I believe, for divorce. But now that fact no longer fills me with shame. I think our relationship had run it's course and I am so fucking grateful for our marriage.

So today, instead of loss, I'm oozing gratitude. It dripped from me, like sweat and what I accomplished day was sweeter, better, rounder. It was in the damn air.

In the beginning, they said the waves would come and take me down. They said they would be big and overpowering. They said in time, the waves would still come, only there would be more time inbetween them. More space to catch my breath. They, thank God for they, were right.

So there is cake on my face, all over my damn face, it's sticky and gooey and makes me look weird. But I just discovered that I can lick my lips!

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