This is a glass of ice tea my possible businss venture partner drank. We discussed my work.
It is was the only time I didn't feel a sense of forboding or panic in the last four days.
There are days I am not sure I should be a mother. Days I question my, what feels like, my lack of caring, lack of nurturing. There are days I wish them gone, so I could just do what I want to do....mourn Art. There are days I want them gone. Usually on the same day I want myself gone.
Daily I am accosted by them. Barraged for food (or the wrong food), for attention (or the wrong kind of attention), for toys (or the wrong kind of toys), play dates (or the wrong kind person for play dates). There is an endless list of things they want. There are lists of issues they want me to deal with. The list starts when they get up (How come he gets The Chair, I don't like this kind of cheese on my scrambled eggs. Hey mom, we're out of milk again, what should I use instead?). And they do not end (Mom, wake up I had a nightmare. Mom wake up I don't feel well. Mom wake up, I think we're late for school, oh wait, it's Saturday.)
And in those lists and requests and demands. I miss him. Just like did in the beginning, that shallow, panicky, shake my hands, don't get close to the edge of the cliff miss. The kind sends a blood clot of doubt to C3 on my spine so that I feel paralyzed from the neck down, only I'm in the water, over my head.
I spend my day trying to avoid this panic. So instead of coming out boldly, it oozes into my life so that when someone asks "Kim, how are you going?" with the smallest gesture of concern in their voice, I open my mouth and the words come out as tears. Hot, fresh and surprising.
I don't know how I can do kids and loss at the same time. I know I do it, but I don't know how and I need to know how
and the day after
and the day after that.
I want to know so that every time I feel this, I will be without the panic, the uncertainty.
So the next time I will have confidence that I am not one decision away from some sort of disaster.
I want to know so that I can do it
without missing him.