Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The OMG I Need to Help Tip #7

The OMG (oh my God) I Need to Help Tuesday Tip
© 2009

Starting today, every Tuesday I will post a tip on how you can help someone you love and who is in need. During this journey I discovered that help comes in many alternative ways, beyond bringing a meal.

If you want 24 more tips now, go to http://www.cancercrisistips.com/ and sign up and receive a list of 25 of the most helpful things people did for us!

All gestures of kindness are worthy, it's just that some are more helpful than others!
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TIP # 7

Take their car to have an oil change.
Both times when Art was sick, maintaining our daily lives was impossible, including keeping the car maintained...which was really low on my priority list! A neighbor called and asked "When was the last time you had your oil checked?" I couldn't answer him. He showed up the next day, took the key from its hiding place and returned the car later fully serviced!

It's funny but I didn't realize until it was done that the worry of the car had been on my mind!

Why the neighbor did it.
I am good with cars. I wanted to help. It was something I could offer and if she didn't need it then, I knew she'd need it later. We live in LA. Our cars are our way of getting around. All I could think of is what if it breaks down while she is driving Art to the cancer center!

Tip For Getting the Person To Let You Help
Remind them that this is not necessarily about them. Use humor! "I just thought what can I do today to make myself feel good about me? Will you help me do that?"

Art was the world's best speller. All errors are to give him something to do while he looks over my shoulder, laughing!

Have a googlem aim or yahoo account? Become a follower please (to the right). It will help when I approach literary agents!

© 2009 Kim Hamer

Monday, June 29, 2009

June 29, 2009

I am a pheonix rising...

Daily I find the strength and pleasure in living this new life.

I do not discover it alone.

The words of friends and readers, the cards, the anomyous massge gift certificates all push me up and out of the ashes.

They say
You are brave.
You are amazing.
Be weak...we still love you.
Go easy, Kim, go easy.

Reminding me that in the deepest darkest hole, I have people pulling, tugging, digging in with prayers and hope and words and actions and love and....and....and...

The wisdom of the whole is greater than the wisdom of one

THANK GOD!!

Your words are sometimes the only thing that gets me through a day. Today, they make me laugh.

I am back in this moment.

I am back.

Thank you friends.
Thank you readers.
Thank you self.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

June ?, 2009

I'm in the hole

The kids...

They were up till 10:30 last night

having played video games for well over five hours, watched movies for three more hours.

The energy to care for them, having left me when my hysterical self lost it on the front porch at about 5:00 pm yesterday.

I tried to call people. People who know what loss is. But no one was home. (And Freddie from The Meadows School, I don't have your number. I wanted so badly to talk to you last night. Please email it to me!!! (kitequeen44@gmail.com)

At 10:30 Langston asked when I would put them to bed.

I looked at the clock and said "Oh, I guess now."

But they did it all themselves. They didn't need to be told to brush their teeths. (Besides I really didn't care.) Ezra slept in his clothes, giggling with glee that I would allow that.

This morning at 9:00 when everyone was finally up, and thought I had pulled myself together, I announced they were gonna have to get their own breakfasts.

They did.

Only now we are out of cereal.

And strawberry jam.

I yell at them only if my solitude is interrupted with requests for food or to break up an argument.

Lunch happened becuase Langston got hungry and made ravioli.

I was too busy putting the world out of my mind, trying to transfer all my files from one computer to another and watching movies.

I did leave the house today.

Once.

To drive Langston to an appointment

that we were 30 minutes late for.

I drove wearing my pajamas

and my flip flops.

Hair a mess.

I don't think the kids had any fruit today. They for sure didn't get vegatables.

I don't care.

Dinner was just ordered (at 8:00 pm!) becuase Langston said he was hungry.

The kitchen is filthy. Yesterday and today's food reminents on the counter.

I have no energy to take care of them or myself.

I have no energy to think who to call.

And what would I tell them anyway?

"Oh Hi. Well I was wondering if you could come over while I fall apart. I may cry a bit, but mostly I'm going to ignore the world and bury myself in work and movies."

"Oh and I'm not sure how long this will last. So you may have to come back tomorrow and the day after that. Better yet, could you just take my kids? That way I can wallow in the mess myself."

"Oh and one more thing. I will sound and look fine. So I hope you don't expect a sobbing fool. It's not my style."

I hesitate to write this lest someone will tell me to buck up.

And my response would be:


You can't say jack (@)*$ until you have been where I am now.

Besides, I'm still alive. Granted I may not be functioning great now, but ya know who the hell says I need to hide this from my kids! Heck, Langston can walk to the store if they really want cereal tomorrow morning.

But in reality I would think somehow they would be right, even though I know it is not so. Being weak is not a trait many aspire to!

So do yourself, spare me the guilt, and don't waste your finger energy telling me to be strong for the kids or for myself. In a weird way, I think I am finding strength in falling apart.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring.

I suppose I will have to call someone if we want butter, apple juice, cereal and strawberry jam.

The pressure of getting all that together in the am literally makes me cry. I can't do shit, right now. Not shit.

And in a weird way, I'm proud of myself for finally letting go.

video

Sunday, June 21, 2009

June 21, 2009




To all the Dads

Take a moment to inhale the smell of your child's hair, snuggle that space on their necks that makes them giggle. Even if you have to make them bend down to do it.

Embrace what you have.

Hug your child longer than usual.
Hug your child tightly.
Because Art can't.

Happy Father's Day To You






Friday, June 19, 2009

May 19, 2009


Duck

Weave

Bob

Feign

Nope, nope. I'm Ok.

Yah, really, I feel like I can......


POW!!!!

An uppercut catches me, mouth open.

I am dazed and confused. Suddenly I'm not ok.

Right, no dodging this.

He's not coming back. And then I feel the physical effects of the loss and naseua rises, my chest hurts with every breath.

I go back to the corner. Sit, breath deeply despite the pain and cry.

This time I know it will pass.

And when I am ready, I'll get up.

I am astonished.

I feel ok. I am learning to live with his loss.

And I see this is the way it will be.

I will get knocked over, out -- stunned. And I will get up again.

Sometimes it will take me minutes. Other times it will take me days.

But I will always get up. What a relief!

----

Helping Hands Tip

Send massage gift certificates unanimously.

----

THANK YOU TO ALL WHO COMMENTED and CALLED about the last post.

I spend a lot of time in my head. What seems horrific to me, may not be so bad to the outside world.

I learned a long time ago, that those I surround myself with often see me more clearly than Ido. And when they all speak with one voice, it's just best to trust them. Thank you for reminding me to trust you.

----

Lisa, a person I don't know.
Thank you for the little gifts.
I am so grateful my words inspired you into action.
I will be sure to spend it on myself!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

June 29, 2009

I am a pheonix rising...


Daily I find the strength and pleasure in living this new life.


I do not discover it alone.


The words of friends and readers, the cards, the anomyous massge gift certificates all push me up and out of the ashes.

They say
You are brave.
You are amazing.
Be weak...we still love you,
Go easy, Kim, go easy.

Reminding me that in the deepest darkest hole, I have people pulling my up by prayers and hope and words and actions and love and....and....and...

The wisdom of the whole is greater than the wisdom of one

THANK GOD!!

Your words are sometimes the only thing that gets me through a day.

Today, they make me happy. I am back in this moment. I am back

Thank you friends
Thank you readers
Thank you self.

Monday, June 15, 2009

June 15, 2009

Tomorrow is Day 60.

60 days ago Art died. 64 days ago he lost consciousness. 65 days ago I spoke to him on the phone. 66 days ago I cried with him when he told me they needed to admit him again.

It feels like I've been here for 165 or 365 or 1065 days. This quagmire is deep.

When I think of him, and us, in the future, I can't tell how much of that is true and how much of that is made up, a fantasy of sorts.

Here's why


Our marriage was falling apart.

That's one of the dirty little secrets I am left with.

When someone close to you dies, they leave you with these secrets. These little shameful secrets and you carry them around with you and you think of it whenever someone unknowingly talks about the thing that leads to the secret.

That was one of ours. We were heading for divorce.

It started before the first bout with cancer and then we just ran around trying to plug holes to keep the boat afloat.

The re-occurrence had the same effect as that stuff you pour into your car. It clogs the leaks in the engine but also gums it up. It prolongs the workings but it's only a matter of time before it will needs to be replaced.

And now when I think of Art, I remember how God awful much I loved him. I don't remember the disappointments, the sadness, the estrangement.

And that makes his loss that much harder. I fantasize about a good marriage that would have been had he not died. But I am lying to myself. It doesn't feel like a lie.

I'm confused.

It's like I have two opposing emotions.

The loss is gigantic.

I think this is where angles come from. We don't think of the bad parts of the angles, only the good part.

If he is an angel in death, then I feel far less than holy.

I feel unworthy and crappy. I am left with the guilt, the anger, the shame. He's left looking like an angel.

The question for me is:

Can I reconcile my feelings of loss with the truth of where we were in our marriage? Are they even reconcilable?

God, there has to be away. This is a bag I do not wish to carry.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

May 9, 2009

If I don't write, I don't think.

If I don't think I thought I wouldn't feel.

If I don't feel I can pretend that you are coming back.

God...

There is so much he's gonna miss. So much he wanted to see.

I finished my eBook, honey!

I'm cooking too! I actually planned a meal, cooked it and it wasn't late and ... the kids ate it!

Pallas is showing the first signs of developing.

We've been invited to Mammoth this summer.

Carrie was here and we finally hung all those photos.


Fuck...the longing is so unfathomable.

I keep expecting you to show up, with your black bag, Ezra and Pallas in tow.

I want to show you how good I look in this new shirt.

I want you to read what I'm writing.

I want you to call you and tell you to pick up...something.

I want to feel the weight of you on me.

I want you to be here.

------

I find it interesting that I am having trouble typing in the correct date. I am sure Freud would have a field day with that!

The post is supposed to read: June 9th, not May 9th.