Warning: This post may be unsettling. It was written in June. I didn’t post it because I didn’t want someone calling Child Protection Services, a threat that was made. Please know that I am better. Please know that I continue to fight and function. Please know that I am here.
I thought about it today.
Actually been thinking about it for 5 days straight.
Considering different ways to do it. Quick, painless ways to do it.
I’ve been thinking about killing myself.
The fact that I am writing about this means, I think….I am working past this feeling.
This running of me, the running of my children’s lives, the running of my business, the worry of money, the worry of asking for help…..again and again and again.
It’s stretched me beyond ….
I am so thin, wispy…..
I can’t see myself.
Father’s Day, a school wide celebration called Moving Up Day, the death of a husband’s a friend, the running out of money, the knowledge again, that there is no protecting my children, just shielding them and offering them tools that I feel leave them ill equipped to handle life.
Tools to cope, where are mine?
I know suicide would be selfish.
I know that it is possible that my children would never understand.
And I know that I am in extraordinary pain.
And I know that dying would be quieter, easier and would end the pain. I know this is what my husband felt when during his battle with cancer he said to me
“I’m just so tired.
I just want to rest.”
And he did finally, get to rest.
I know that you, the reader may call me cowardly, a horrible selfish mother.
And you would be right and you would be wrong. The pain is so intense that I feel my kids would be better off without this monster mother I have become, roaming freely in the world, angry, mean, blowing up for no good reason at random. Spewing hate and self doubt, shame.
I find myself looking at another shopping list, listening to another bickering session between my kids, packing another lunch, making another play date phone call, trying to stretch $1 into $2 and then going to bed and doing it all over again the next day. I find it all too much. And I ask,
“Is this all there is?”
After the intense loss, after starting to be OK without him, after the grief has turned deep and mellow, is this all there is? Is this what I was fighting to get too?
I remember when Art and I would share the weekends. One morning one of us got to sleep in. For a few hours in a week, one of us got time to ourselves to do whatever we wanted to do. I remember we provided for each other with back-up, guidance, help, humor (I have forgotten what it feels like to have a really big belly laugh!) I remember feeling like I could fall down cause not only was there someone there to pick me up but to clean up the mess as well.
I’m not allowed to fall now.
The wave of grief has me so far down that swimming to air, if I knew which way was up, feels like it would take too much energy. Energy I simply don’t have.
My friend said, “Imagine BP (the oil company) losing ½ their staff during this crisis. That’s what happened to you. You lost half your staff when Art died and you were in crisis and still are.”
That makes me smile. It puts an image to the burden I feel.
He follows with “You need a break.” And I want to smack him. How do you take a break from kids who can’t stand to have you go away?
Everyone says “You need a break." and yet no one suggests exactly how that break is supposed to happen, nor do those words follow with an offer of help, in any way. It’s like the airplane thing when they say put the mask on yourself first. What if your mask is all tangled up, barely within reach, in knots?
I am tired. I have been beaten.
Uncle life, Uncle. You win.
I am no good.
I am no good to my children.
I am tired and I just need a rest.