Saturday, February 07, 2009

January 7, 2009

Great now I have deal with your nausea because you didn’t think that maybe you will be nauseous in at home and didn't ask for Zofran!

"And now you are behaving like an ungrateful bitch." I think.

Art came home today.  

All I wanted was for him to come home.

Now that’s he’s here all I can think about are the things I have to do for him.

He can’t get up without assistance.

He needs someone standing near him when he uses the walker.

He can’t get to the bathroom without help.

I have to bring him everything – food, something to drink, a book, put in a movie, a trash can lined with a garbage bag in case he vomits.

And if he does vomit, I have to clean it up.

I have to help him take his clothes off.

I have to help him get into bed.

I need to remember to put vitamin water, a book and the prego pops (the best non prescription anti nausea stuff around) on his bedside table.  

I will wake whenever he stirs for nights to come.  

I have to give him Heparin shots.

I have to smell that eerily familiar chemo-Art smell.

And now I am raging. Fuck you cancer. And double fuck you chemo!

I am not grateful. I am pissed off.

I am ashamed.

Where is the peace?

Where is the love?

Why can’t someone just give it to me? Why do I need to dig into myself to find it all? I’m too fucking tired to find my cell phone charger, let alone find peace and love for this man.

I stop.

I read this post.

I see that the peace was just here, just off to the left and below the rage.

I see now that I will do anything for him.

I will put moisturizer on his body.

I will put his socks on his feet.

I will cut up his food.   

It's not forever.

I will do all those things

sometimes in anger,
sometimes in sadness
or in resignation.

But always right below all that stuff, I do them in peace, in love and in awe of his willingness to fight, again, the battle within.  

He is my hero.  I find great peace in that.  


  1. Anonymous2:01 PM

    One moment, one hour, one day at a time and when someone is there to lend a hand, take time for a bubble bath and a big glass of wine to regroup and breathe deeply.


  2. it is always so annoying
    when Life reminds us
    that we are here to serve others
    and to lose ourselves
    in another.
    At a certain point
    we realize
    we are returning favors rendered;
    not necessarily to the folks
    who originally rendered them,
    just passing the gravy,
    so to speak.
    (Even so,
    it's still okay to
    feel pissed off
    from time to time).
    (Doesnt cost anything
    and does manage to bring
    momentary satisfaction
    and a rush of blood to the head)

  3. Art is the only one who has to take this lying down. Go through whatever you have to, in order to get through.

    And just like you're there for him, we're here for you. Whatever you need...

    You're my hero... just 'cause.

  4. I am learning how to regroup. Today it was lunch full of vegetables, tomorrow it will be a movie while the kids are in school, and Art is still in the hospital.

    Passing it on. Yes, it is hard to allow the recognition of personal good deeds down, we are such a Puritanical society! But yes, both Art and I are having favors returned to us and we continue to return them to others. Such a lovely thought! make me cry.