Friday, July 03, 2009

July 3, 2009

Motherhood, widowhood and sexiness
collide on Appleton Way and Glydon Streets in Venice.

My cute 46 yr old divorced neighbor drove those cross streets yesterday while I was helping Ezra get his bike up on the curb. I was in running shorts, top, and sneakers. A ratty bandanna was keeping the hair off of my face and I was wearing “ode du three hour old sweat” from a run. I felt frumpy, wholly unattractive and guilty. He passed before I could wave back.

“Crap, he always sees me when I look like shit.” I think.

“Why do you care?” I retort.

I stand straight as Ezra peddles away from me, and start walking, far behind the cute driving neighbor…confused.

I knew how to be sexy for Art. It was not in the taking off of my clothes (although that always helped). It was in a laugh, a nuzzle in the crook of his neck and that dress he loved on me. It was in knowing he was watching me while I wrestled with Langston and in the power that flowed from me after a long hard workout. It was in my touch of those wonderfully commanding thighs of his.

Motherhood sexiness ebbed and flowed around, under and through the kids and illness and bills and arguments, pregnancies and dress sizes. I rediscovered it, lost it and found it over and over again, each time stumbling on different hues of our connection.

I have always enjoyed a good flirt, an arm touch or a straight out gawk from or towards other men. I did it from behind the “sanctity of marriage.” Looking was good. Touching…not worth the risk.

I can touch, now. Only…OMG! What do I wear? Will I be like those young girls who laugh a bit too hard, smile too broadly and lean in a bit too close? How many dates before I sleep with someone?

These questions startle and concern me then make me laugh out loud.

As a new widow, I stand open and ridiculously vulnerable. How does this whole man thing work again?

It’s the second coming of being a teenager only less awkwardness and with the wisdom of who I was, am and becoming.

Curiosity mingles with fear and fascination. This will be an adventure!

An untraveled path to a destination I can’t quite comprehend.

When will it begin? When will I decide it's time to start?

I continue following Ezra down the long side walk.

"Man, I hope that he at least noticed my tone legs!" I say to myself and giggle.


  1. This post made me smile so much.

    It's the widow's guilty little secret that the world would feel so shocked about if it only knew. I'm not sure I fully understand myself how it is possible to be prostrate with grief one minute and thinking "Gimme a man. Any man. And now!" the next!
    Fortunately these urges do seem to have subsided lately.

    One good friend advised me to find a young, uncomplicated and enthusiastic young man to get the sex thing out of the way before making any attempt at establishing a more permanent relationship with anyone!
    I'm not even close to being ready to do either, in fact the idea terrifies me, but her advice does have a certain logic to it!!!

  2. Anonymous9:00 AM

    My dear Kim,

    You are tough and cool! You are also pretty attractive. Make that pretty AND attractive. I respect your style.

    Even though I don't know you all too well, I'm drawn to you by an inexplicable connection. I really like you! Before any readers make any assumptions that you have this blatant male admirer, I'm female.... :-)

    So, this is merely an open invitation to call me when you are ready for practise nights out. It is also an open invitation to finally come over and look in my closet.

    ...maybe your fairly attractive 46 year-old divorced neighbor will catch a glimpse of you as he's "driving by" again.

    Looking forward,
    N x

  3. Anonymous9:12 AM

    Correcting my previous post, not sure why I described your neighbor (whom I've never seen or met) as "fairly attractive." I meant to use your adjective - "cute."

  4. Hi Kim, I just found your blog on J-in-Wales' blog ... and found myself compelled to read all of it in one sitting ... luckily for me I can speed-read :-)! You write very very well and your honesty and openness is refreshing. Also, found myself nodding almost manically whilst reading some of your posts(esp.looking at yourself in the mirror) as identified with some of the stuff I have thought and done (and had't even realized! Your photographs are so tender and they touched me ... please do keep up the "tips" - I'd like share them with my "supporters" - Boox

  5. Anonymous6:02 PM

    Get used to the whole single-with-kids dilemma. This is only the beginning.

  6. Anonymous6:29 PM


    I don't know whether or not you can comprehend it, but to this objective observer who is quite familiar with your situation, your post indicates that you are farther along the path of healing than you realize. You have made a colossal step forward. Expect plenty more "bumps" in the flight, but also recognize that you are, no doubt, ascending as well.

  7. Excellent stuff, Kim. You (and J above as well) capture the dilemma, the indecision and the self-censorship perfectly.

    I'm very sorry about your loss. Spirits up, and kind regards from London.