Motherhood, widowhood and sexiness
collide on Appleton Way and Glydon Streets in Venice.
My cute 46 yr old divorced neighbor drove those cross streets yesterday while I was helping Ezra get his bike up on the curb. I was in running shorts, top, and sneakers. A ratty bandanna was keeping the hair off of my face and I was wearing “ode du three hour old sweat” from a run. I felt frumpy, wholly unattractive and guilty. He passed before I could wave back.
“Crap, he always sees me when I look like shit.” I think.
“Why do you care?” I retort.
I stand straight as Ezra peddles away from me, and start walking, far behind the cute driving neighbor…confused.
I knew how to be sexy for Art. It was not in the taking off of my clothes (although that always helped). It was in a laugh, a nuzzle in the crook of his neck and that dress he loved on me. It was in knowing he was watching me while I wrestled with Langston and in the power that flowed from me after a long hard workout. It was in my touch of those wonderfully commanding thighs of his.
Motherhood sexiness ebbed and flowed around, under and through the kids and illness and bills and arguments, pregnancies and dress sizes. I rediscovered it, lost it and found it over and over again, each time stumbling on different hues of our connection.
I have always enjoyed a good flirt, an arm touch or a straight out gawk from or towards other men. I did it from behind the “sanctity of marriage.” Looking was good. Touching…not worth the risk.
I can touch, now. Only…OMG! What do I wear? Will I be like those young girls who laugh a bit too hard, smile too broadly and lean in a bit too close? How many dates before I sleep with someone?
These questions startle and concern me then make me laugh out loud.
As a new widow, I stand open and ridiculously vulnerable. How does this whole man thing work again?
It’s the second coming of being a teenager only less awkwardness and with the wisdom of who I was, am and becoming.
Curiosity mingles with fear and fascination. This will be an adventure!
An untraveled path to a destination I can’t quite comprehend.
When will it begin? When will I decide it's time to start?
I continue following Ezra down the long side walk.
"Man, I hope that he at least noticed my tone legs!" I say to myself and giggle.