Thursday, August 06, 2009

August 5, 2009 Looking for Him

This place is saturated with him.

I awake from a bad dream and prefer to go back to it than acknowledge that the other half of the bed is empty.

It feels like it did in the beginning, raw and suffocating. I am steeped in disbelief. I am not here without him, I think. He’s in the kitchen. And when he’s not there, I think he’s stretching in the living room. And when I check and see the floor empty I think, he’s down by the water. I walk down expecting to find his long legs stretched out, his head back, eyes closed, hands intertwined and resting on his chest, dressed in red fleece. And when I don’t see him there, I sink into his chair and sob again.

This is that big wave that my friend spoke about. It comes and shoves me down to the bottom. It tosses me and I don’t know which way is up. If I breathe it is water that I take in.

At 12:10, three hours after I have gone looking for him, I sit on the porch of Blue Hill Books, unwrap my new journal and begin writing. My lungs fill with air that is filled with him.

I'm still breathing.


  1. A widow friend of mine said these words to me some time ago, and they gave me comfort because they give me hope, Kim. Hope that one day the tsunamis will turn into waves, and eventually into ripples on a calmer sea. I hope that they also give you hope today. Hang in there. Be still. It will pass.

    People would often say "time heals", however really it doesn't ... it's just the waves of sadness and grief become farther apart, and not as large, but they still come ... you just learn to ride those waves I guess.

  2. Hang in there Kim. Even though it seems impossible and sometimes you don't even want will keep coming up for that breath. Sending you a giant hug.