Yesterday, I took Art's remaining clothes out of the closet. I divided them into the one's I want to keep and the ones to give away. Today I drove them to the Mission in downtown LA. Some tall homeless person with size 14 feet will finally have clothes and shoes that fit him.
Yesterday, I took down the get-well cards friends, co-workers, familiy members and students had sent him. This wall reflects me.
I am that wall. I am empty, vacant, not complete. I am not surprised at the depth of the grief, just disappointed in it. I am surprised at how quickly I begin to hyper ventilate, and how powerless I feel. I can't talk, even though I wanted to call a friend.
I think we are fine and then it hits, the wave and I swear that I will drown. And I cry so deeply and so completely that my whole body gets involved. I shake and feel nauseous. I force my breath. My nose quickly fills. My head aches, my arms tingle. My feet move rhythmically back and forth across the sheet. I hold myself, I let go. I punch his pillow. I hold myself again.
I know I need to call someone. Anyone. But what will I say? What is there to say? I don't want to be cheered up, I don't want to be soothed. I want to be held. To be allowed to grieve, with the noisy blows from my bulbous red nose and the swollen eyes.
I don't want anyone to tell me it will be ok because right now it's not. I want someone to wrap their arms around me, to sit with my pain, to stroke my hair and my back. To NOT say "shhhh." To cry with me even. No judgment, no better world. Just this grief here and now.
Tomorrow is my 45 birthday.
Kim, I am crying at my desk after reading that post and my heart goes out to you because I know that feeling too well. I wish I could come and sit with you and cry with you, for Art and for you, but the Atlantic separates us. I had my 45th birthday in May, and will be thinking of you tomorrow. I wish you smiles as well as tears tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteNext time you are near Downtown,
ReplyDeletejust text and say "Can i come cry?"
All i need to know.
Take care.
Kim: Happy Birthday girl! I wanted to call you yesterday but I just couldn't....my brother passed away Thursday night. I was with him along with his two kids and our sister. I am relieved that his suffering is gone but I am a bit of a mess. I will call you later this week so we can have a drink together and cry or laugh or hug and cuss about how much cancer fucking sucks. xoxo Marda
ReplyDelete