No! I don't want to!

I need to find a someone to help Art with the kids on Wednesday night. (It’s a chemo week) I’m giving a speech that night for 50 people AND getting paid for it. Apparently that was not enough to sway Art’s dr. into postponing the last round a few days. I need yet more help with the kids next Saturdy as I attempt to further my speaking career by attending a monthly meeting. There again, the person who runs the meetings didn’t think Art’s chemo dates should take precedence over the “scheduled months ago” program. Hello people! My husband has cancer! Cut me some slack!

I don’t want to call my friends and ask for help. I don’t want them to say no. I don’t feel like doing this again. I am sick of this stupid chemo and how it is trying to ruin my life! I want it to go back to normal when I simply report to Art that dates and times I will not be available in case he’s looking for me.

I’m not a good soldier and don’t feel like marching. I am staying right here to pout and to self sabotage. Why look at a calendar and plan a week out when I can bemoan my situation? Why ask for help when I can blame cancer? Besides nothing like a little pressure. If I have to ask only days in advance, I get to kick myself with every “Sorry, I can’t” and go into a higher and higher state of panic, the pressure build will remind me of “feeling the burn” of exercise only, well, it will be more detrimental to my health. I’m suffering (not in silence) from my bourgeois angst…because well, I can.

I’ll get over myself in a few minutes but for now, I think I will throw an all out temper tantrum. So don’t call to offer help yet unless you want to hear me slamming my fists into the floor while I kick my feet and yell “I hate you, stupid cancer! No, I don’t want to! You can’t make me, so there! No! No! No!”

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