May 5, 2009

Day 19

6:00 am

I tried to drown my grief in the following items yesterday:

• FOOD. Ice cream, chocolate and white bread with butter and jam. Not at the same time. I also tried sugared cereal, potato chips and sorbet. RESULT: Feel like throwing up. Grief still present.
• WINE. I drank ½ bottle from dinner till Pallas and Ezra went to bed. I am a complete light weight. RESULT: Dehydrated and exhausted. I couldn’t take my sleep aid with all the alcohol in my system. Woke up off and on from 2 am – 6 am, at which time I went into a deep sleep and almost made the kids late for their rides! Grief still present.
• YELLING. An old stand-by that causes instant righteousness and relief. Nit picking is my favorite mommy tool. (This is why we have a therapy fund for each child.) Statements like “For the 65 time… pick up your pjs and put them on or in the hamper! Then pick up the towel from the bathroom floor and what do you mean you haven’t brushed your teeth yet?” and my favorite but not original “You don’t like me when I’m angry. SO just frickin’ do it….NOW!!!!” RESULT: An amazing amount of guilt! Tears from both me and the kids. And an apology for acting all crazy (but still insisting they pick up the towel on the bathroom floor!) Grief still present.
  
  CONCLUSION:

Escaping grief is not an option. Damn the stupid luck.

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7:00 am

I dreamt about Art last night. He was there camping with us. We were resting in these chairs under a tree when I looked at him and said “You are not real, are you. You’re just a ghost.” He smiled and nodded in agreement. I was so disappointed because I wanted to hug him but I had forgotten to when we were hiking together and now it was too late.

Only Ezra and I could see him. Langston and Pallas didn’t understand who we were talking to.

I want one more chance to feel his arms around me, one more chance to get on my tippy-toes as he widens his stance so we meet somewhere near 5’11”. I want to feel his breath on the back of my shoulder and the familiar contours of his chest as he wraps his arms completely around me, his fingers on one hand almost meeting the finger of his other hand around my stomach. One more time, just one more time and then I swear, I’ll let go.

I swear that will be enough.

Please.

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8:30 am

Anger. I am rageful!

Nothing will work.

A friend was supposed to come help me clean the house. She’s got a sick child.

They are banging too much on the house they’re building next door.

I have not taken a shower in 3 days, nor done my hair or make-up. I hate the way I look but hate the idea of getting wet and caring for how I look.

It’s sunny out but the hammock is not in enough shade.

The kids didn’t like breakfast, so I yelled at them and told them to make their own. They did!

Mad at my friend who is only there when he wants to be and only once when I needed him to be.
I have no patience. I don’t give a fuck about patience. I will sit here and stew.

Mad I found a video of Art on my phone. I didn’t know it was there. It was him, healthy and smiling at me. Mad I watched 4 times.

Mad that watching it didn’t make him come back but made me miss him that much more.

Mad at the guilt I feel for being mad!!!

Mad that I have to wait for this to pass, as I know it will.

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9:00 am

I took the anger and I opened EVERY single card. I sat in my living room and opened every single damn card and cried.

He was so loved. I am still loved. How fucked up is it that this can be such a horrible event and yet so full of gratitude and love.

No one fucking taught me this shit….and if they did, I wouldn’t have believed it any way. You can’t learn this stuff until you walk it.

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Well great...can't wait to see what the rest of this damn day will bring!!!

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