Thursday, April 02, 2009

April 2, 2009

I've been agitated all day.

Jumpy, edgy...waiting for it to happen. Something that will relieve this itch, the need to get out of my skin.

Art's return to chemo, his body's return to the punishment, leave me...

breathing in the shallow.

It won't come. The release won't come.

I know what it is....I haven't cried in one or two weeks. Haven't let the grief, anger, disappointment, joy, gratitude, anxiety or peace surface. Haven't let them come because with the joy comes the grief.

One doesn't seem worth the other.

And besides, I don't want to do it alone.

I want someone to hold me. (That sounds so teenage-ish...but they have it right!!)

Someone who will just let me sob, not tell me it will be Ok, not pat me, or shush me. But hold me, reminding me that I won't fall apart if I let it all go.

And then there is this ray of hope. I have learned patience on this journey. When the time is right, when the right person presents him/herself, I will open up like a broken damn and it will be okay....again.

I will look for this person. I hope they show up soon.

For right now, to find comfort, I simple want to tear my skin off.


  1. Anonymous11:30 AM

    I so wish I had the finances to jump on a plane and be that person for you, although I would probably be crying just as hard along side you. I'm betting that lots of local friends are there for you soon enough. You give so much of yourself and are such a good friend to others that it should come back to you double.
    thinking of you all, sending letting go thoughts your way.

  2. rejoice12:25 AM

    Hello Kim....I haven't read the recent articles by you yet...but I will. I simply wanted to "stop by" and tell you I think of you often...and love you. That is "love" as an action word..not an emotion. So as an action word, how do I show my love for you [and your family]...'s simply done on my knees...

    If ever you want to contact me, call or email whenever you want.

    910 322 3859

  3. Bevin Kuckley7:16 AM

    aint no way to make it better - just easier I guess. Certainly puts things in perspective - the other night your mother was comforting me as I just lost a very special friend this week - she said to me "did you think she was going to die"? I stopped and thought for a long moment reflecting on that thought and said "No! I believed what she believed" And I believe in what you & Art believe.. stay positive - stay in touch - be emotional be spiritual and believe in magic...