Jumpy, edgy...waiting for it to happen. Something that will relieve this itch, the need to get out of my skin.
Art's return to chemo, his body's return to the punishment, leave me...
breathing in the shallow.
It won't come. The release won't come.
I know what it is....I haven't cried in one or two weeks. Haven't let the grief, anger, disappointment, joy, gratitude, anxiety or peace surface. Haven't let them come because with the joy comes the grief.
One doesn't seem worth the other.
And besides, I don't want to do it alone.
I want someone to hold me. (That sounds so teenage-ish...but they have it right!!)
Someone who will just let me sob, not tell me it will be Ok, not pat me, or shush me. But hold me, reminding me that I won't fall apart if I let it all go.
And then there is this ray of hope. I have learned patience on this journey. When the time is right, when the right person presents him/herself, I will open up like a broken damn and it will be okay....again.
I will look for this person. I hope they show up soon.
For right now, to find comfort, I simple want to tear my skin off.