The doctor said,
"Two or maybe three more rounds of chemo."
Ok. A plan.
I like plans.
Stem cell in May.
Hell these past three months have traveled at the speed of light. May will be here tomorrow.
I can do that.
The words come:
- Disappointment -- our break from the kids, the chemo, from cancer life is over.
- Grateful -- to one Colby College basketball coach and 3 Colby College basketball friends who showed up this weekend from Maine. Providing him with that man energy that I still don't get, but that Art needed. To one friend from Connecticut who helped me clean my house. To an old teaching friend of Art's whose brilliant energy is soothing. For the two nights out I had, the movies I watched and the sleeping in I did while the kids mastered being away from us. To Dr. Lil for NOT giving Art chemo two weeks ago.
- Lonely -- I am lonely...for him. I want to be held, to be touched, comforted, gathered into his familar smell. Fuck, I really, really miss that.
- Tired -- It filled me today. Masked as annoyance, hunger and a bit of rage.
- Strong -- Ready. I've been training for this round. I'll never be ready but BRING IT ON, chemo. You ain't gonna knock me down!
- Sad -- Sad, sad, sad, sad that this should happen to anyone, to us, to me, to our children, to Art, to any of us. This fight is a crappy, stupid, dumb fight.
Chemo starts again tomorrow.
And damn it all, I thought I was more
prepared.
Stupid, stupid, stupid! I thought that I could prepare myself to watch him as the poison kills the cancer and him and I stand by and hope he'll be back.
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