They told me to bring the kids in. They told me to bring the kids in. It’s over and I, I, I just ….
I
feel
nothing.
The hardest part about this... No wait, the right now hardest part about this is watching them grieve. My heart is in shards, little sharp deadly pieces.
Doctors and then Dr. Lill, Art’s doctor, comes in. He used the word
die.
Finally SOMEONE used that word!Death, even in a hospital is whispered, in euphemisms – passed, gone, left, not there. None of those words speaks the truth. My husband is going to die.
Soon.
And when he does, he will be DEAD. Period.
No euphemizing that!
There will be no one to check my spelling. No one to wait for my call, saying I’m on my way home.
Oh God, I don’t want to be one of those single mothers whose kids are out of control!
There is a Sarah McGloughlin song. Only lyrics I can remember are
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
This is gonna hurt like hell
She’s right. And I know I don’t know what I’m doing.
I stand at this place, knowing I must fall into the gorge. I’ll survive, it’s just right now, I don’t want to go.
Oh shit fuck, shit fuck OW_@+#*(@#*()#*)%n .
I just want to vomit.
Dear, dear Kim--I only found out about your blog today...you have been brave and smart and always told the truth that is in your heart. I send to you, and Langston, and Pallas, and Ezra, and Art, all the love I have in my heart. Christina
ReplyDeleteKim,
ReplyDeleteIt's not fair and it's awful and I'm so, so sorry for you and your kids. And you will all survive and figure out a way through this time. And all that love you shared will go on inside you all.
Cannot stop thinking of you all,
Jean
we are with you, kim. Pulling for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteginnae et al
Kim, Langston, Pallas and Ezra,
ReplyDeleteWe are sad beyond words and send you our very best wishes for strength and comfort . . . and our love.
Cora and Dean
Kim, Art and kids..
ReplyDeleteYou are all in my prayers- everyday. Your love, strength, family and friends will see you through. Kim- you are truly amazing and no matter where this road leads you should know that you are an inspiration. Art is and will always be lucky to have you in his life- now and forever
I have had candles lit all over my home today for Art and you and the children....I am singing:
ReplyDelete"May the long time sun shine upon you
all love
surround you
and the pure light
within you
Guide your way home"
Keep talking to Art, he CAN hear your words, your voice, your song...
There is nothing that can take away the pain, only time can dull it...(i unfortunately already know)
None of you are alone...please remember that there are the wings of Angels wrapped around all of you
Blessings, Blessings, Blessings
Peace, Peace, Peace
Marda
Dear Kim,
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you know that Ezra was one of the "big kids" at my son Marcus' 5th b-day party at PS#1 back in January, so I emailed some pictures to you. Please know that I love your kids. Please tell them that if you get the right moment. And please use those words, because they are true. They got their likability from both you and Art, obviously.
It seems like they also got your strength. Regardless of what you feel or think at the end of each of your trying days, know that your story itself has made me, and others I know, learn from your strength. I won't dwell on shoulda, woulda, coulda, and hope that you won't either. I will, on the other hand, vow to check in more often to see what you and the kids need. I will always consider them "my kids" too, and will be willing to take them in on any day.
You mentioned a Sarah McLaughlin song on the blog. Another one I love is "Better Than Ice Cream." If you know the words to that one, you might find it relevant.
Tonight I will pray that Art finds serenity.
Love and warmth to you all,
Jennine
Kim,
ReplyDeleteWhat a place you are all walking through. And even in the madness of it, the sadness unimaginable, and even when you do fall down into the gorge, you are present still. Moment by freakin' moment. Moments of grace. Moments of torment. Moments of transcendence too. Your gift, your ultimate gift is being present. There. Riding alongside Art, dancing the edge between life and death. There's a kind of beauty in that.
Much love to you and Art and your beautiful children. Many Blessings to you all....
Keep writing.
ReplyDeleteNo matter what.
love and light,
jm
I send my love and my prayers to all of you.
ReplyDeleteKim, it is no wonder you are inspired by the poetry of Sarah McLachlan's music because you, too, are a poet. You have touched people you know and people you don't know, and you have made us re-examine our own lives with your honesty and your bravery. Please keep writing, for yourself, and for us.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for Art's safe passage to whatever comes next. Even though I have never met him, he (and you) have changed me.
Joan
Kim,
ReplyDeleteOur thoughts are with you, Langston, Pallas, and Ezra. We are also thinking of the great life that Art has lived, and how fortunate he was to be surrounded by a such a tremendous family.
John & Luiza
Kim,
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry to hear that and sorry that I'm not there to help. As my dad once said "death is always inconvienent".
Dear Kim: I am so sorry. Please know that you and Art and your children are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteSincerely,
Helen
Kim,Langston,Pallas,and Ezra: I want you all to know how very sad and sorry I am and that you are all in my thoughts and prayers. I knew Art back when we were kids and got to know him well at Colby through basketball. We often shared rides back and forth to Aroostook County during breaks. Art was always thoughtful, kind, gentle, and strong. I can hear his big hearty laugh as I write. It is not fair and I am so so sorry. I cannot imagine your grief and sadness, but know that there is a collective world of people out here who are with you, sending you strength and comfort and love. Your dad, your husband will be with you always.
ReplyDeleteScott
Love and prayers to you all in this next, sad phase of this awful journey. ~ Genie
ReplyDeleteKim,
ReplyDeleteWe are all holding you close to our heart. Sending love with every breath.
I couldn't fall asleep last night thinking of Ezra, you, Pallas and Langston. I just hate this and I hate that its happening to you. I don't understand it and I don't get it. I don't get why this happened to you and your kids and to Art. I finally fell asleep after crying for about 30 minutes and I start to cry every time I think of it. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling. All I think about is how your hurting for yourself and hurting for your kids. We love you all and I know you are strong but if at any moment you need us we are here. I might just need you at some point.
ReplyDeleteLove you guys,
Evelyn
Dearest Friends,
ReplyDeleteYou've been in our thoughts and we've stayed posted during our mini vacation in Las Vegas. Art’s journey and your blog serve as a reminder of how important it is to enjoy every moment you get to spend together with people you love; live and enjoy each day as if it's the last.
We are now back in Santa Monica and will keep our eyes open for anything we can do to ease the pain and sorrow. When you in the middle of the evening (or any other time) need someone to hold you, a gallon of ice cream, or a bottle of whiskey just call and I'll be there within 10 minutes...
We are sending lots of love and strength to all of you.
The Kiyohara Family
We're here. I'm crying quietly at work, but then the kids and I are here if Pallas or anyone needs anything we can possibly offer, at this stage, or the next, whatever comes.
ReplyDeleteLiz Perry
Hey Kim,
ReplyDeleteI'm swearing and crying as I type. Two things I don't do often. My heart breaks at the thought of Art's spirit leaving his body if it hasn't already and the pain that you and the kids will go through and have already gone through. Thank you for sharing this journey that you have been going through. I echo the thoughts of others: Keep writing. Your honesty, openness and strength continue to challenge me and others to work towards being better people. All my love,
Julie B
Oh Kim...I'm so sorry, and this just sucks.
ReplyDeleteSweetie...my heart aches for you. Keep writing no matter what. May the Lord continue to Bless you and your family.
ReplyDeleteMM Cindy
Kim,
ReplyDeleteall our love to you Ezra Pallas and Langston. We are so deeply sorry.
Melissa
Dear Kim,
ReplyDeleteI want you to know that you and the kids are in my thoughts and prayers. Art was my sixth interview at Windward and his warm smile and relaxed demeanor instantly put me at ease. I can't express how much of a role model and mentor Art was for this brand new teacher back in 2005. His poise, characteristic calmness, and teaching style continue to influence me today -- even as I am concluding my 5th year as a teacher here in Alexandria, VA. Why he entrusted this brand new teacher to teach Keats and Wordsworth to his senior class so many times during his absences, I will never know. Once I told him that I couldn't teach the class because I found the lesson plan too complex, and he smiled and said, "No, I want you to do it...I know you can." He inspired so much confidence in a teacher who at the time, did not have much.
The world has lost a great soul, but the angels in heaven are rejoicing.
God bless you,
Chris Glover
Dear Kim,
ReplyDeleteI want you to know that you and the kids are in my thoughts and prayers. Art was my sixth interview at Windward and his warm smile and relaxed demeanor instantly put me at ease. I can't express how much of a role model and mentor Art was for this brand new teacher back in 2005. His poise, characteristic calmness, and teaching style continue to influence me today -- even as I am concluding my 5th year as a teacher here in Alexandria, VA. Why he entrusted this brand new teacher to teach Keats and Wordsworth to his senior class so many times during his absences, I will never know. Once I told him that I couldn't teach the class because I found the lesson plan too complex, and he smiled and said, "No, I want you to do it...I know you can." He inspired so much confidence in a teacher who at the time, did not have much.
The world has lost a great soul, but the angels in heaven are rejoicing.
God bless you,
Chris Glover
Kim, my thoughts and love are with you and your family. Art Nagle was an amazing teacher, the best I had at The Meadows. I remember he always pushed his students to be the best writers we could be, he never let us settle. I know he truly loved you and your children. I remember the days Langston came to class with him and how he would stop everything to pick him up if he needed him. I am jealous you got to spend so much time with such an amazing human being. I wish you and your family all the best,
ReplyDeleteFred
You aren't alone right now, and there are so many people praying for you and your family. I don't know you or your family, and just found your blog yesterday.... I don't know what you are going through right now, but I am praying for your strength, and praying for your children and family. You are an amazing woman and I hope you know that.
ReplyDeleteYou remain in our thoughts and prayers. So sorry about Art. He was one of a kind who touched everyone whom he encountered. God's blessings and kindness be upon you.
ReplyDelete