Avoiding

I'm avoiding...
my bedroom, my pillow, my scrumptious flannel sheets (Its been cold in LA)
cause he's in there, waiting for me and I don't want to see him
feel his emptiness,
be held only by his memory

So I'm up. It's one am. I will sleep less than 4 hours tonight and tomorrow I will continue running,
avoiding,
ducking,
and running some more,
until the loss of him catches me
and I sink into the hole
of grief.

I will making phone calls so that others can remind me how far I've come, that I don't stay in the hole for long.
That I
always
come
out.

Does this cycle ever end?
I know it doesn't and that is why I duck and weave.
Thinking that maybe I can outsmart it, thinking that maybe once it will pass over me and I won't have to be reminded that it will always find me.

Tweet

Day 365

The impromptu Memory Wall that went up in Ezra's classroom today.
Art's sister looks on as other students add to the wall

Today

was

a

beautiful day.

I am

here.

At day 365

not just standing

but rooted

grateful

and

joyful to take the next breath.

The grief is not gone.

Do not be fooled.

It will lurk within me

surface at unforgettable moments

until I draw my last breath.

But today

T-O-D-A-Y

I am

I am

grateful to Art.

Grateful for the life we had together

and

grateful

for all those people

none and unknown

close to me

and distant

mean,

empathetic,

helpful,

hurtful.

I stand here

because of all of them

because of me

because of Langston, Pallas and Ezra

It's day

365

and the

sun

feels

glorious on my face.

Tweet

I'm OK?

Today looked like this....

I got up.

I laughed before the big toe of my left foot hit the floor.

I left at 8:15 for an 8:30 class that was a 20 minute drive away.

I drove giggling...my lateness, some things never change.

I didn't know anyone in the class.

I didn't feel like knowing anyone from the class.

At the class, I didn't eat the granola bar, tossed the too sweet yogurt and drank 4 little bottles of water (borrowed from my the table mates, the ones I didn't know.)

I drove home and sang till I coughed.

I made a semi-nutritious lunch for my kids out of food I already had in the refrigerator!

I made a really nutritious lunch for myself. (Spinach, yellow peppers, avocado, pine nuts and goat cheese. Tossed with more balsamic vinegar than olive oil.)

I braved Target at 2:30 pm shopping for clothes with my two youngest. We didn't run over anyone while we were telling each other jokes.

I put together a telescope. I saw the pink-purple flowers of the Morning Glory way in the back yard REALLY well.

I dropped off my daughter for her (as of this minute) first successful sleep over in over 1 1/2 years.

I was truly interested listening to Ezra's hypotheses about weapons, bombers, fighter planes and tactical ways to win over an enemy.

I paid attention as he went on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

Just he and I went to see Avatar. It was a 7:45 pm movie. He's usually in bed by 8:30. We didn't get home till 11:00.

Now at almost midnight, I am laughing again.

I'm OK.

His death didn't destroy me.

Didn't remove my essence.

Didn't consume me.

And I'm still standing

and I find my feet are encased, ensconced in this new earth.

I wriggle my toes and notice that I cannot move the earth that covers them.

I laugh so hard....I pee.

My friend said, "How are you doing?"

Today, I didn't lie.

"I'm ok." I told her

And I am.

Tweet