I'm avoiding...
my bedroom, my pillow, my scrumptious flannel sheets (Its been cold in LA)
cause he's in there, waiting for me and I don't want to see him
feel his emptiness,
be held only by his memory
So I'm up. It's one am. I will sleep less than 4 hours tonight and tomorrow I will continue running,
avoiding,
ducking,
and running some more,
until the loss of him catches me
and I sink into the hole
of grief.
I will making phone calls so that others can remind me how far I've come, that I don't stay in the hole for long.
That I
always
come
out.
Does this cycle ever end?
I know it doesn't and that is why I duck and weave.
Thinking that maybe I can outsmart it, thinking that maybe once it will pass over me and I won't have to be reminded that it will always find me.
A wise widow friend said to me early in my own widowed journey that when I fell into the "black hole" if I could remember, to ask myself, "what am I supposed to learn while I am down here?" Sometimes it helped me - sometimes not. Thinking of you and understanding not wanting to lay in the bed with all those memories - love and light across the miles. xoxo
ReplyDeleteYour blog is mesmerizing. Once I started reading I just kept going. I think you should have it published. When a soul is so laid bare and shares such strong emotion - we all can learn so much. Thank you for your honesty and brilliant writing. I think I scan the blogs seeking knowledge of "the human condition". Your blog is doctorate material in this course of study.
ReplyDeleteOh! I happened across your blog and want to send deep condolences and love and well-wishes!
ReplyDelete