September 17, 2009 Talking to Strangers

Peace comes tonight in the form of 8 strangers. Mexican and Jewish, white and other, one young with child on the way, one older with a young child, spiritual, long haired, out going and quiet, well dressed and unclipped toe nails.

We are strangers. We come together and shut the door, shut the unclear, confusing and sometimes mean world on the other side of the door. The latch releases in its hold and we exhale.

I miss her, he states. I am angry too! she says. I crave to be touched, says another. We all laugh, nodding our heads. We hear, nodding our heads. We cry nodding our heads. We all nod our heads, we all get it, we all understand.

And there is wonderment at the same emotions we strangers share. For now it’s our new Utopia, the closest we can come in this grief to it. This Utopia offers understanding and silence and space to raise our voices, stare out our hands, to sob, to swear, to joke and gafaw. No excuses necessary.

And when we open the door, our fellowship continues in a near-by restaurant, discussing our lives before we got here, what we are doing now that we are here. You have two dates? Smiles. This is a picture of my son, he said. And I look and my mama bear roars and I want to defend that child. I know that I love him. I know that I would defend him with my life and he’s not mine, but he is because he belongs to one of us.

And finally the world pushes in on the clock. We leave. I get in my car and I feel lighter, sweeter – less full of rage, more full of relief and calm and Okness. I drive home – knowing that they are driving home too and I feel safe. If my phone rings tonight, if I make someone else's phone ring tonight, it will be answered and there will be no should, no don’t worry, no you’ll get through this. There will be a space held for me (I for them) and I can cry or they can cry, or rage or laugh or whatever.

They know what it’s like, these strangers. They know my grief because it’s their grief and I love them for that. I love them in a place I have never been before.

They make this journey manageable when nothing or no one else can.

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OMG Tuesday Tip #1

The OMG (oh my God) I Need to Help Tuesday Tip© 2009

Every Tuesday I post a tip on how you can help someone you love and who is in need.Help comes in many unique and wonderful ways, these tips can help you help others in those alternative ways, beyond bringing a meal.

To get more tips, go to http://www.omgineedtohelp.com

OMG I Need to Help Tuesday Tip #1
Don’t say “If you need anything, let me know.”

When you say “anything” it puts the burden on the person who is in crisis. They now need to figure out what you mean by “anything.” Did you mean scrape the crude off the kitchen floor, sit with them at 2 am or babysit a sick child? Even if you mean anything, it’s just not a helpful statement. You’re goal it to relieve some of the burden, this statement only adds to it.

Instead, be as specific as possible about what you want and/or can do. “I’d be happy to be the on-call babysitter.” Or “If you need groceries last minute, please call me!” The person in crisis is more likely to remember your offer if it’s specific. It’s helpful because they don’t have to guess at what you mean by “anything.” If it’s specific the person is more likely to call you.
OMG Bonus Move: Write your name, phone number and the specific offer on an index card and place it on their refrigerator.

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March 4, 2009

Art is back in the hospital.

I knew it would happen, its just well....the 1:00 am phone call to 911 was not part of the plan. The call to a dear friend to come stay with the kids was not part of the plan. The passing out. Been there, done that. Was so not part of the plan!

Poor guy.

Massive indigestion for an hour.

Followed by vomiting.

Followed by fainting and waking up to the confusion of me, saying "Honey? Honey?"

There was no panic. I knew what needed to happen.

I was the premidonna on the phone.

"Um, is there any way they take him to Cedar Sinai?"

"Oh and please, no sirens. My children are asleep and I'd like to keep it that way."

"Thanks so much for coming! Um, could you turn your radio down, please."

And I wanted to say "Can you walk on your tip toes? My kids will surely notice the clunking of your heavy boots." And "Fellows, please. Let's keep it at a whisper." (Ever notice, men don't whisper!)

They couldn't take us to Cedars, however, after they checked him out, they did offer to put him in the car for me.

The 10 (major freeway route in LA) is delightful at 2 am.

The ER room was even delightful. No gun shot wounds, heart aches or fall out from bar fights.

At 4 am the tested him.

Lying down. Blood pressure 98/60

Sitting up Blood pressure 90/60

Standing Blood pressure never gotten cuase he started to pass out again.

Congratulations honey! You get to to stay!

And for a parting gift, you Kim Hamer get this lovely bag with "Patient Belongings" written on it. Your absolute favorite!

What it should say is:

Caution:

Person carrying this bag is not stable.

Their loved one has just been admitted to the hospital.

To add to their anguish, we have inserted this little string, masquarading as a handle,

that will dig into their hand when they pick up the bag. Giving them phsyical discomfort to go along with their emotional comfort.

Please stand back at least 20 feet.

Another day in our lives. This one with humor, a touch of saddness and whole lot of resignation. This is our life but it is a life. I am grateful.

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