With chemo looming in the close future, there is relief that this present stage is coming to end. It’s like the triathlons I compete in, I get a second wind when I know I am coming to the end of the swim. My confidence in finishing the swim portion of the race grows and I know nothing will keep me from hitting the sand, running up the beach and getting onto my bike. I love the bike portion of the triathlons. And that is where the similarity ends. In this case, here, in the hospital, I dread the next stage. How do you train for cancer?
When I read about it at night, I can’t sleep. When I read about it during the day, I cry. Every step in this stupid ass journey is emotionally painful and while I know myself and my past experiences well enough to know I am tough, I simply, very simply don’t want to do it. It looks, feels and tastes to overwhelming. Maybe if I pretend hard enough, it will all go away.