Fatigue

I've been fighting it since his diagnosis. Fighting it hard. Needed to be up, on it, ready to move since the day after August 24. It's not till today, today when Art started his chemo regimen, that I notice how tired I am. I walked around the quiet house with things in my hand. Picking up things that needed to be put away and instead they ended up in my hands traveling from room to room. Sometimes they would rest on the kitchen counter, other times on our bed. But then I'd pick them up again, determined to "do" something with them, place them in their proper place. The pile is now on my desk, next to me as I write this.

Fatigue is a funny thing. It has no symptoms really. It's not like I'm bruised or have stitches. I think I look fine. Only my brain is not working well. I can't focus and I forget everything. I take three times as long to accomplish a task and quite honestly, I am not so sure on days like today that I should even be driving. Right now, having a fairy god mother to wave her wand and say "I release you from guilt. Be restful," would be a real cool thing.

The best I can do right now is to sink into the calmness of this exhaustion and relish it. This is the place where I let go. The major crisis is over. We are on a path and there is no getting off. And that is a good thing. From here on in, like I wrote last night, it's about the majestic man I married and my inner strength. That is a good thing and I am thankful for it.

So tomorrow after the kids doctor's appointments and Art's bone marrow biopsy I will relax. No... really.

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