Little Steps

I’m taking small steps to your temple door
I’m waking slowly amidst this dull roar
I am facing the future and all that it holds
I am waiting for you, now my love
I am waiting for you, now my love
One star above me and two stars ahead
One moon to guide me alone I am lead
Like a child of the fire who will walk on the coals
I am waiting for you now my love
I am waiting for you now my love
Little, little, little steps
Little, little, little steps darling
Little, little steps
Little, steps now my love

Merrie Amsterburg
Little Steps

Again, it comes....the fear, the difficulty of this mess. We had to go back to the cancer center today so that Art could get more fluids in his system. The lack of fluids a side effect from sleeping for the last 3 days. As we leave the car, Art stands and can't move, needing to acclimate himself after a 30 minute drive. He is unable to move and stands, one hand on the car door to steady himself, one hand on the passenger head rest. I see he cannot let go of either, afraid he will fall. The tears come from him. And I approach him to hold my tall crumbling husband. The tears are frustration at being so sick and anger at his inability to shake the chemo. They come from this morning, when he, for the first time, viewed and took in his body and saw the loss of muscle, of fitness, of himself looking back at him. "I worked so hard to have a fit body and it's all gone," he cried. "It's so hard, it's so hard, it's so hard," he sobbed. They come from his inability to work on our marriage.

How do I comfort that? How do I say "it's Ok" when many things in our life are not OK? How do I keep the anguish out of my voice? And the guilt. The quilt of being so beyond angry this morning that I swore after this was over, so was our marriage. This disease amplifies all the flaws in our union. I see now, how partnerships fall apart after a devastating event. My love is mixed with resentment. It can be hard to separate them. I can only work towards keeping us together, and many days I am wiped out with nothing to give, nothing to fight with.

Little steps. Little steps. I take little steps. He takes little steps. With guts and courage, we will end up at each other’s temple door.

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