I miss him so much right now. And I don't know what to do for dinner tonight. I am frozen in fucking madness of this life. I hate it! I hate every single part of it, every piece of it. I hate everything that this disease has taken away from me! I hate that I haven't laughed with him. I hate that he can't focus, or think or grieve with me. I hate the lonliness that NO ONE ELSE can *@($&# fill! And above all else, I hate the fact that I can't make a stupid (*#&@* decision about dinner! I just wish my kids could survive without me, cause then I'd curl up next to the body of my husband and fall asleep. I don't want to face another minute of this *@(&$#(@) ass day.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
4:37 PM
Pallas is home. Langston is swimming. Ezra has not arrived yet. Art got home an hour ago, where I delivered the news about our good friend's child. He cried and then when we began to talk about it, he fell asleep.
I miss him so much right now. And I don't know what to do for dinner tonight. I am frozen in fucking madness of this life. I hate it! I hate every single part of it, every piece of it. I hate everything that this disease has taken away from me! I hate that I haven't laughed with him. I hate that he can't focus, or think or grieve with me. I hate the lonliness that NO ONE ELSE can *@($&# fill! And above all else, I hate the fact that I can't make a stupid (*#&@* decision about dinner! I just wish my kids could survive without me, cause then I'd curl up next to the body of my husband and fall asleep. I don't want to face another minute of this *@(&$#(@) ass day.
I miss him so much right now. And I don't know what to do for dinner tonight. I am frozen in fucking madness of this life. I hate it! I hate every single part of it, every piece of it. I hate everything that this disease has taken away from me! I hate that I haven't laughed with him. I hate that he can't focus, or think or grieve with me. I hate the lonliness that NO ONE ELSE can *@($&# fill! And above all else, I hate the fact that I can't make a stupid (*#&@* decision about dinner! I just wish my kids could survive without me, cause then I'd curl up next to the body of my husband and fall asleep. I don't want to face another minute of this *@(&$#(@) ass day.
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You survive because silly things like #$!X& dinner and taking care of your kids force you too. One foot in front of the other, numbness, anger, other people's losses, crying, and sleep keep the momentum of life moving forward with or without feeling in control of one's own life. Life is definitely not fair, unpredictable and yet so full of amazing people that survive all odds with incredible resiliency. You and your family have that strength and you make me and many others better and more thankful people as a result!
ReplyDeletexoxo julie
Hey Kim, I don't know what to say except we love you all, I'm sorry about what you're going through, I'm sorry about your friend's loss...it is all too much to fathom, and start buying really good (money is no object aisle) frozen pizzas to toss in the oven. Chuck.
ReplyDeleteLife happens all around you. It isn't personal. You make it personal by hating it or loving it, but it simply is. Find what simply is in yourself and always has been and always will be, and your pain will be reduced as you find the simplicity and the elegance of the present moment.
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