I remain emotionally distant from him. My role as care taker still fresh and forward, my role as wife is somewhere inside. When I feel the wife emerging, I think of a tsunami. Wife will sweep in and weep and moan and scream and be aghast at all that has happened to her beloved. Wife will crumble, refusing to eat, unable to function. Wife knows the inside-out fear and will always be afraid until the words “one year, two year, five year” and “cancer free” are spoken. I am afraid she will wash away all the things the caretaker has put into place; duty, composure, organization and bravery.
So I too am in between, trying to keep wife at bay while simultaneously giving caretaker a break. I am not sure I can do both.